Exclusive: Script for DMX vs. Predator leaksPosted: October 25, 2014
It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up. It also contains liberal use of profanity and DMXisms. It should not be viewed by anyone with an IQ above 9.
When news of Archie Meets Predator broke two weeks ago, a new world record was set for gallons of beverages spit on computer monitors in one day. However, that could just be the tip of insanity iceberg.
Sports Monocle (remember, we also like entertainment and sports entertainment) has learned that Dark Horse Comics is also teaming up with Def Jam Recordings for an all-new feature film entitled DMX vs. Predator starring three-time Grammy nominated rapper DMX.
Further, we at Sports Monocle have obtained an early draft of the film’s script.
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.
INT: ARMY BASE
[DUTCH, DILLON, GENERAL PHILLIPS, and DMX are planning the operation.]
DILLON: Simple setup. One-day operation. We pick up their trail at the chopper, run ’em down, grab those hostages and bounce back across the border before anybody knows we were there.
DUTCH: What do you mean “we”?
DMX: [playing Donkey Kong nearby] YOU THINK IT’S A GAME?! YOU THINK IT’S A F***IN’ GAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMEEEE?!?!
DUTCH: Who is this?
DILLON: This is an old friend from college. Trust me, we’ll need his special skills on this mission.
DUTCH: What’s his name?
DILLON: His name is Earl Simm–
DMX: D! M! X!
DUTCH: I can hear you just fine.
DMX: RIDE! OR! DIE!
DUTCH: General, my team always works alone. You know that.
GENERAL PHILLIPS: I’m afraid we all have our orders, Major. Once you reach your objective, then we’ll evaluate the situation and take charge.
DMX: COME ON!
[DUTCH, DILLON, MAC, BLAIN, BILLY, PONCHO, HAWKINS, and DMX are sitting in THE CHOPPER, on their way to the confusing plot device that only exists to get them close to THE PREDATOR. A LITTLE RICHARD SONG is playing.]
DMX: THERE’S MORE 2 A SONG THAN JEWELRY AND CLOTHES, MORE 2 A N****Z LIFE THAN MONEY AND HOES.
BLAIN: Who is this guy?
DUTCH: No, don’t—
DMX: D! M! X!
DUTCH: Please don’t ask him who he is again. I swear I’ll pull the pin out of a grenade and take us all down.
BLAIN: Okay DMX, do you have a better song?
DMX: I’MA SPIT AT YOU SOME S*** THAT’S GON GET AT YOU BE F***IN’ WIT YO MIND.
BLAIN: Okay, go ahead.
DMX: N****Z WANNA TRY
DMX: N****Z WANNA LIE
DMX: THEN N****Z WONDER WHY
DMX: N****Z WANNA DIE.
HAWKINS: [whispering to PONCHO, as DMX continues] Do you know this guy’s credentials? Is he even in the military?
DMX: NEW YORK N****Z THE WILDEST.
HAWKINS: Oh, okay. Never mind.
BILLY: I’m scared, Poncho.
DMX: D! M! X!
PONCHO: Bull***t. You ain’t afraid of no man.
BILLY: There’s something out there, waiting for us, and it ain’t no man. We’re all gonna die.
DMX: RIDE! OR! DIE!
PONCHO: No! We’re not gonna die. Not until I see my grandma again.
DMX: IN A MINUTE, YOU GONNA HAVE GRANDMA BEIN’ THE ONLY FAMILY MEMBER LEFT.
PONCHO: That’s awful! Why would you say something like that?
DMX: I’M NOT A. NICE. PERSON!
[MAC is sitting next to BLAIN’S CORPSE, reminiscing]
MAC: [to BLAIN’S CORPSE] Here we are again bro. Just you and me. Same kind of moon same kind of jungle. Real number 10 remember… Whole platoon, 32 men chopped into meat. We walk out just you and me, nobody else. Right on top huh? Not a scratch… Not a f***in’ scratch. You know who ever got you. They’ll come back again. And when he does I’m gonna cut your name right into him… I’m gonna cut your name into him!
DMX: [inches from BLAIN’S CORPSE’s face] IT’S HARD TO DIGEST WITH THE SIZE OF THE HOLE IN YO CHEST!
MAC: [pushes DMX away] Go away!
DMX: LAST I HEARD, Y’ALL N****Z WAS HAVIN SEX, WITH THE SAME SEX!
MAC: What? We’re not gay. He’s just my friend. I miss him.
DMX: I SHOW NO LOVE, TO HOMO THUGS.
MAC: We’re not gay, or thugs.
DMX: HOW YOU GONNA EXPLAIN F***IN’ A MAN?
MAC: That’s pretty intolerant of you. What do you have against–
DMX: EVEN IF WE SQUASHED THE BEEF, I AIN’T TOUCHIN’ YA HAND!
MAC: You’re not listening to a thing I’m saying.
DMX: ONLY KNOW HOW TO BE ONE WAY, THAT’S THE DOG!
MAC: Could you just leave me alone?
DMX: BLAP BLAP!
DUTCH: Okay, DMX, here’s the plan. We’re going to cover ourselves with mud. Then we’re going to wait until it’s dark—
DMX: AND HELL IS HOT?!
DUTCH: Right, and hell is hot. Then we’re going to—
DMX: I MEET B****ES.
DMX: DISCRETE B****ES..
DMX: STREET B****ES..
DUTCH: Uh huh.
DMX: SLASH, COCOA PUFF SWEET B****ES..
DUTCH: [sighs, and pulls out a tennis ball] Look, DMX! What’s this?
DMX: [excited] THE GAME. DON’T. STOP!
DUTCH: Go get it! [throws tennis ball]
DMX: YEUH! [barks and chases the tennis ball into the jungle.]
[THE PREDATOR is approaching]
DUTCH: Okay, DMX. Don’t blow our cover. Let’s wait for it to—
DMX: TALK IS CHEAP MOTHAF***A!
[DMX emerges from hiding and beats THE PREDATOR to death with his bare hands, only stopping to take occasional bites of PREDATOR FLESH.]
DMX: [covered in Predator blood] I PUT IN WORK, AND IT’S ALL FOR THE KIDS!
DUTCH: You…you could have just done that the whole time? But you let all my friends die first? And you did this…for children?
DMX: THAT’S. MY. STYLE!
DUTCH: What the hell are you?!
DMX: CLICK CLICK BOOM! [shoots DUTCH in the face.]
DMX: ANOTHER LIFE TAKEN TOO SOON, ANOTHER MOTHER HAD A FUNERAL!
[DMX collapses to the ground]
DMX: STILL WATERS RUN DEEP. AND THE PAIN IS FOREVER ALIVE INSIDE. MAKES IT HARD TO SLEEP!
DMX: BUT I KEEP GOIN’, GOIN’.