Man steals 15 wallets during Cavs opener

It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up.


cavstheft

A Cincinnati man stole 15 wallets when he visited a Cleveland bar Thursday night during the Cleveland Cavaliers’ season opener vs. the New York Knicks.

The man, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity, said that he originally only intended to watch the game, but decided to start stealing just before tip-off.

“Josh Gordon was standing in a corner smoking a bowl, and nobody even noticed,” the man said. “And I was like, ‘Wow, that’s pretty cool that they’re so into the game.’

“Then John Elway walked in. I watched Josh Gordon get a 10 yard head of steam and kick Elway right in the crotch. Nobody even looked up. Waitresses were just stepping over him as he lay on the ground, screeching in pain. That’s when I decided to steal.”

The man, who has no prior criminal offenses, was able snatch the first five wallets from the pockets of bar patrons, though he was able to find more success by just politely asking for them.

“I would ask, and they wouldn’t even look away from the screen,” he said. “They just fished their wallets out and handed them to me. They must have thought I was a bartender carding them or a cop or something”

All told, the man stole approximately $18,000 throughout the course of the game. He says he spent most of the fourth quarter at an ATM emptying bank accounts.

“That was the easiest part,” he said. “Every Cavs fan’s PIN number is 2323.”

The Cavaliers went on to lose the game, but bounced back to beat the Chicago Bulls in overtime the following evening.



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