Source: Belichick stole WayneTech tracking device in 2009

It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up.



Former Wayne Enterprises CEO Lucius Fox revealed today that New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick stole and subsequently enhanced a city-wide tracking prototype device in 2009. The machine gives Belichick the capability to spy on the entire world’s population through their cell phones.

“It emits a high-frequency pulse for mapping an environment and records a response time, like a submarine,” Fox said. “This guy I know made it for this thing, or whatever.”

Fox says Belichick took his sonar concept and applied it to every phone in the world. With so many people feeding him sonar, he can image every populated sector of the globe.

According to Fox, Belichick has been using the device since 2010, primarily to “be a dick.”

“He likes to see what gamblers and fantasy players are saying about his team, so he can screw as many people as possible,” Fox said. “Did you drop Tom Brady a few weeks ago? Start Jonas Gray? Give up on Julian Edelman? Wager against New England after the Kansas City game? He played you.”


Fox thought he had destroyed the machine because it was “dangerous and unethical,” but Belichick somehow managed to steal it anyway.

“He tried to buy it from us, but I said no,” Fox said. “On his way out, he took a bite of my sandwich, showed me a few nude selfies my wife had sent him, and told me he was getting ready for Cincinnati. I hate him so much.”

If rumors are to be believed, Belichick has used the device for other nefarious purposes. Belichick was discovered with several containers of fear gas in his home last month, but was released because the officer did not have a warrant. Eyewitnesses have also claimed that he is in possession of an ice gun and has several small tally marks on one of his arms, but this has not been confirmed.

“Now is not the time to lose hope,” new Wayne Enterprises CEO Damien Wayne said. “I shall handle this matter personally.”

While Wayne was confident, not everyone was convinced.

“Hope is a dangerous thing,” Fox said. “Hope can drive a man insane.”

The Patriots are on bye this week, and will visit the Indianapolis Colts next Sunday night.

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