Feminist group disappointed to learn Jimmy Graham is a manPosted: November 15, 2014
It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up.
The National Organization for Women, which earlier this year called for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to resign, was disappointed to learn that the victim of a groping that took place last week in New Orleans was not a woman, but rather superstar tight end Jimmy Graham.
“When we heard someone was groped at the Superdome last week, we were under the impression a crime was committed,” NOW spokeswoman Gloria Lane said. “However, it turned out to be the funny kind of groping. The kind we make jokes and Vine videos about.”
The organization originally thought that the victim of the groping was “Jenny” Graham, which caused the group to respond with a massive order of torches and pitchforks. They are in the process of trying to cancel the order.
“Those torches and pitchforks weren’t cheap,” Lane said. “We spent almost six months of our Outrage budget on them. Plus, the torches are perishable. We hope the seller will be reasonable and return our money.”
Lane admitted that the organization began planning its campaign before actually viewing the video. After watching it, Lane expressed disappointment with Graham.
“I mean, he was wearing those tight, form-fitting pants, and he plays a position called ‘tight end.’ He was practically asking for it,” Lane said. “If he didn’t want to be groped, he shouldn’t have jumped into the stands dressed like that. He deserves at least some of the blame for what happened to him.”
Graham, who admitted he has learned his lesson about jumping into the stands dressed so provocatively, will return to the scene of the humorous molestation this Sunday.
“That’ll be the last one for me,” Graham said, through tears.
The Saints hope to move to 5-5 and hold on to first place in the NFC South with a win over Cincinnati.