Manziel suspended indefinitely, enters Six-Man Ladder Match for job

It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel indefinitely today due to the incident that took place in the lobby of his condo last week.

AP Photo/Stephen B. Morton

AP Photo/Stephen B. Morton

“Mr. Manziel was approached by an intoxicated fan in the lobby of his own home, which is completely unacceptable,” Goodell said in a statement. “He has shown an alarming lack of remorse for this incident.”

Manziel immediately called a press conference to announce that he would appeal the suspension. However, midway through a reporter’s question, Goodell’s music hit.

The Commissioner approached his own podium, smugly smiling at boos and chants of “ass-hole!” from the fans in attendance.

“I understand that some of you believe that my treatment of Johnny Manziel just … wasn’t fair,” Goodell said. “Well, that’s just too damn bad.

“If you don’t think it was fair, you’re probably the same kind of people who wait in line–you’ll wait forever in line, like sheep all lined up–and then you’ll see someone like me very aggressively cut in front of the line, and you’ll say ‘Wait a minute, that’s not fair.’

“What about on those few occasions when you will honestly and objectively look into a full-length mirror? You women look at the cellulite hanging from your hips and buttocks and say ‘That’s not fair!’ And you men, you say ‘That can’t be me! That’s not me with the pot belly and the small genitalia. That’s not fair!’

“You people all compare yourselves to the beautiful, rich people like me and whine ‘That’s not fair!’ You just have to face the facts that the vast majority of you were born with inferior DNA. Life sucks, and then you die.”


Commissioner Goodell was met with raucous boos from those in attendance, which he seemed to enjoy, before dropping some big news.

“You want fair? You want your job back, Johnny? Well, you’re lucky I’m in a giving mood. Because this Monday, Cyber Monday, you’ll have a chance to get your job back. All you have to do is battle five other men … for this,” Goodell said, holding up a briefcase.

“You see, inside this briefcase, is one NFL contract for the Cleveland Browns. All you have to do is defeat five other NFL superstars and grab this briefcase, which will be at the top of a goalpost at FirstEnergy Stadium on Cyber Monday.”

Goodell revealed the first four contenders: Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, Tim Tebow, and Terrell Owens.

“And, Johnny, I’ve saved the best for last. I’ve got an extra special surprise for you.”

Brian Hoyer then emerged from the crowd of reporters, assaulting Manziel with a steel chair. “This is my house now!” Hoyer said.

I don’t know about you, but I think this could be the biggest moment in NFL history.

Cyber Monday will air this Monday on the NFL Network, which is available for just $9.99.

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