Jeremy Hill guarantees less embarrassing loss

It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up.


Cincinnati Bengals running back Jeremy Hill has guaranteed his team will be embarrassed slightly less than they were earlier in the season when they face the Cleveland Browns for the second time this Sunday.

John Grieshop/Getty Images

John Grieshop/Getty Images

“Yeah, they’re really not that good,” Hill said. “I could easily see us losing by just 14 or 17 this time.”

The Browns defeated the Bengals 24-3 in Cincinnati in Week 10’s Thursday night game. The Bengals finished with 165 total yards and four turnovers, and quarterback Andy Dalton had one of the worst games by a quarterback in NFL history.

Hill says it won’t go down that way again.

“Andy had, what, 86 passing yards that game? I say he gets 100 this time,” Hill said. “Lock it down.

“And his 30% completion percentage? He may even get up to 50% this time. I don’t won’t want to go overboard, but his QB rating of 2.0 might even get into double digits.

“And don’t even get me started on Brian Hoyer. We made him look like a competent starting quarterback last time. This time, he’s going to look like a common benchwarmer. Guaranteed.”

Kickoff is set for 1:00 PM ET at FirstEnergy Stadium.



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