Colin Kaepernick purchases dictionary

It’s Satire Saturday! The following story is completely made up.


In order to speak more accurately in future interviews, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick purchased a dictionary today.

Getty Images

Getty Images

Kaepernick, who is usually tight-lipped in interviews, unloaded on the Seahawks last year after his team’s NFC Championship loss.

“He (Richard Sherman) is afraid of our receivers. I look forward to exploiting that next year,” Kaepernick said, among other things.

In two games against the Seahawks this season, Kaepernick completed 27 of 48 passes for 262 yards, no touchdowns, two interceptions, 10 sacks taken, and 63 rushing yards, while leading the offense to just 10 points.

This morning, Kaepernick clarified his prior comments.

“I wasn’t really sure what the words ‘afraid’ or ‘exploit’ meant,” Kaepernick said. “It’s a good thing, because I sure would look ridiculous if I knew what I was saying. I bet Seahawks fans would be relentlessly mocking me right now. Thankfully, I have this new dictionary to prevent me from repeating that mistake.”

Kaepernick, whose team faces the Chargers later today, already showed off his new dictionary after he told reporters that he believed his team would “win,” before checking his new dictionary.

“Win: to be successful or victorious,” Kaepernick said. “Woo, yeah, that’s not going to happen. What a great bargain! This thing will pay for itself in no time.”

The 49ers (7-7) have been eliminated from the playoffs.

 



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