Ryan Lindley begins career as motivational speaker

It’s Satire … Sunday?!?! The following story is completely made up.


Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Ryan Lindley began formal plans to transition to a full-time motivational speaker shortly after his team’s loss to the Carolina Panthers yesterday.

“I think it’s pretty clear that being an NFL quarterback isn’t for me,” Lindley said. “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve already been cut.”

The Cardinal offense managed to gain only 78 yards in the game, which set an NFL postseason record. Lindley averaged 1.8 yards per pass attempt.

Sometime in the 3rd quarter, Lindley began planning his next career move.

“I don’t remember when exactly, but at some point I realized I would probably never play in another NFL game,” Lindley said. “I was hoping Coach Arians would have been able to magically complete passes from the sideline with his otherworldly coaching powers, but I was on my own. I didn’t give up, though!”

Lindley spent most of the season on the San Diego Chargers’ practice squad. He was signed by the Cardinals and pressed into starting duty after injuries to Carson Palmer and Drew Stanton. He also tried really, really hard, and that’s something.

After the game, Lindley began testing out his motivational material on Cam Newton, telling him to “get after Seattle” next week.

“I know the Panthers won’t play the Seahawks if the Lions upset the Cowboys, but I was a little nervous,” Lindley said. “I should have said ‘try hard’ or ‘follow your dreams.’ That would have been better.”

Newton, when asked about the speech later, didn’t seem to remember the encounter.

“A football player said that? Are you sure?” Newton said. “Wasn’t that the fan who won a contest and got to throw a pass for his favorite team? Maybe I’m confusing him with the punter.”

Lindley has spoken with Tim Tebow about touring the country with him to give speeches, though nothing is set. Tebow was reportedly hovering silently and staring into the sun and could not be reached for comment.

“I know I’m not as good as Tim Tebow,” Lindley said. “But what if he gets sick or hurt? Then they’d have to pick me! All I have to do is believe and think positively. Was, uh … was that good?”

Be sure to check back with Sports Monocle for the latest on Ryan Lindley’s new career.

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