Which Current Superstar Would Own the Attitude Era? Wrasslin’ Wednesday 4/15/15

Wrasslin Wednesday Header

Derek: We’re coming to you live (two days later) from London! Or is it really two days? I’m in Korea, Will is in ‘Murrica, and Raw was in England. Does that make it more than two days or less? Is it less for me and more for Will? Vice versa?

homer head explode

We’re coming to you live (roughly 48 hours later) from London! The English crowd brought their best, as they always do. A shame they got Raw leading up to one of the more inconsequential pay-per-views. Although, if John Cena is to be believed, London should host WrestleMania someday.

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Let’s talk about that. Cena was raucously booed with a chorus of “John Cena suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks” when he kicked off the show. Yet, he used his Cena mind trick powers and got them to cheer by calling them the best crowd in the world and suggesting WrestleMania be held there at some point.

Will, did Cena commit treason? If so, should he be shot?

Will: Coming in hot, are we? My first thought is yes, of course he committed treason. Calling London the best wrestling crowd in the world, while “proudly” wearing the United States title? Deplorable. Saying that WrestleMania should ever be held somewhere other than the U.S. of A? For shame. Should he be shot? Yeah! I think so!

I jest, of course. One thing supersedes loyalty to America, and that is loyalty to kayfabe. John Cena is a wrestler first and everything else second. He’s as good on the mic as anyone in the game these days, and he had those cheeky Brits eating out of his hand in moments. Add another one to America’s win column.

Derek: Bad News Barrett answered Cena’s weekly US Open Challenge, which was fitting, since they were in his native land. It was puzzling, though, since there’s no way Cena is losing any of these open challenges anytime soon. Despite arguably the best match of the evening, Barrett never really stood a chance. It fact, that kicked off a rather impressive run of bad luck for English wrestlers. Paige won the right to face Nikki Bella for the Divas Championship at Extreme Rules, but was brutally assaulted by Naomi after the match. Adam Rose was taken down in short order by Dean Ambrose. Neville answered another open challenge, but fell to Dolph Ziggler despite another entertaining (yet Red Arrow-less) effort.

By giving the English so little time to shine in London, did Vince McMahon turn the United States heel? Were we heel already? Do you think anyone would read it if he recounted every heel and face turn in United States history?

Will: Vince definitely booked a rough show for the English wrasslers, but the US was a heel in the eyes of the UK long before that. Summertime of 1776, if I remember my history. It would be fascinating to chart American history in wrestling terms. Were we Stone Cold and Vince was Hitler during World War II? Was invading Afghanistan like Hulk Hogan joining the nWo? Is Edward Snowden CM Punk?

Derek: I think we turned face when Obama was elected. People loved us for a while there. I guess Snowden did trigger our next heel turn. We can’t be more heel than ISIS, though. Would Kim Jong-un be the best heel of all the world leaders?

Will: Let’s not get caught in this rabbit hole. I want to complain instead. Raw is just too damn long. Three hours is a long time. I could literally watch The Godfather every single week, but instead I watch a half hour of good programming, a half hour of commercials, and two hours of bathwater. It’s tough to get through. I think I’m gonna have to start watching it after the fact just so I can skip through commercials. Also, football players were tougher in my day, and get off my lawn.

Some quick hitters on the matches you described:

  • I was glad to see BNB get some run in his home country. He got to work the mic a little bit, he landed some big moves, and he generally held his own against the face of the company. The match was quintessential CENAWINSLOL, but it was a good match nonetheless.
  • I was very impressed with Naomi, and I’m glad to see her untethered from the Usos. She gave Paige a convincing beatdown, and she may have the goods to become a major player in the women’s (I’m sick of saying Divas) division.
  • You’ve gotta at least say this about Adam Rose: he was absolutely on television Monday.
  • Neville is the most fun to watch of anyone on the roster right now. He’s superb. It remains to be seen if he has the promo chops to hold up as a potential main eventer, but his in- and out-of-ring stuff is already there. Him climbing the turnbuckle is like Jimi Hendrix picking up a guitar—you know you’re in for something special. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be a turnbuckle:

Derek: Did Bray Wyatt shed any light on whom he’s addressing?

Will: Nope, I don’t believe he did. He spoke of love, and of fear being greater than it. Last week he spoke of an opponent who spends a lot of time preparing, but who knows not how to deal with fear. Just about any wrestler fits the currently vague description. My guess would be Batista. Who do you think it might be?

Derek: Can’t think of anyone but Batista and Triple H. Other than them, I’ve got nothing. I’d say Kurt Angle, but he sounds like he’s happy in TNA. I’d also say Jericho, but they were feuding less than a year ago so I don’t think Bray would refer to him so cryptically. Maybe Hornswoggle? He was in a horror movie. I assume he works hard.

Hey, Kane slapped Seth Rollins! But then he took a dive anyway. Is this a sign that Kane will become relevant, or a sign that he will maintain his unfortunate role as a jobber?

Will: Oh man I was so ready for a Kane face turn. We had been speaking off the air, so to speak, of our love for the Big Red Machine of yore, and for a minute it looked like he was going to turn on the Authority and give Rollins the business. When he loosened his tie while staring Seth down, I really thought we were going to get it. Alas.

On the bright side, we will almost certainly see this come to fruition before long. Kane has put in the grunt work. Let him reap the reward. #FreeKane.

Derek: Agreed. My thoughts from last week still stand. Kane’s face turn should be swift and vengeful.

Are you excited for a RUSSIAN CHAIN MATCH?!

Will: OH HELL YEAH. Disclaimer: I wasn’t sure this was a real thing, but it seems like it is a real thing. It sounds to me that it’s like a strap match, in which the two wrestlers are connected so as to facilitate brutal interior fighting. It’s gimmicky as all hell, but maybe Russians are super into chains. Either way, the name sells itself. I mean, Russian chain match?! Who could possibly say no?

Derek: Darren Young says his favorite color is “rainbow.” Heh.

Will: I had no idea what was going on during that segment, but I enjoyed every bit of it. Young was funny, and I thought Titus O’Neil showed some real chops. If WWE ever gets over its thinly veiled racism inability to develop good tag teams, these guys could be something.

Derek: Are you fine with Orton and Rollins facing off in a No RKO Steel Cage Match?

Will: If the Russian chain match is gimmicky, this is super duper über gimmicky. And just like the Russian chain match, that’s fine by me. Depriving Orton of the RKO will set up a couple predictable spots. Orton will absolutely have an open chance at one that’s he’s forced to pass up, and he’ll land one later when the ref inevitably gets knocked out. I’m glad to see these guys have another match, and the cage all but ensures that it will be a good one.

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

Derek: I love Angry Randy Orton, but he probably can’t consistently be “Angry Randy Orton because of the PG era. Which got me thinking … what current WWE SUPERSTAR would have been best in the Attitude Era?

Will: Fantastic question. Angry Orton is a delight, and seeing him unleashed in the Attitude Era would be like LeBron playing in the 1980s. I like to think that he would adopt a semi-unusual weapon like Triple H made the sledgehammer his trademark. A shovel, maybe? A potted plant? A real live Viper?

So, who of today’s roster would work the best in the Attitude Era? Hmmm. Style is more important than substance, so guys like Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler are out. Mic skills matter; sorry, Roman. I want a big guy with personality (so not The Big Guy) who is at home in the ring or in a hardcore slugfest.

You know what? I’m overthinking this. It’s Brock.

My god, can you imagine Brock tearing through a WWE—er, it was still WWF then—that embraces brutality and chaos? He and the Undertaker in the Dead Man’s Prime. Feuding with the whole of DX. Slobberknockers against Stone Cold, with JR on the call. Heyman at his side all the while, trading barbs with everyone from Shawn Michaels to the Rock.

It would be incredible. I’m going with Brock. Who you got?

Derek: I’m a bit higher on the prospect of Attitude Era Ziggler. I could see him joining DX and changing the spelling of his name to Dolph Xiggler.

WWE, Inc.

WWE, Inc.

I’d say the answer to this question used to be easy: CM Punk. But life isn’t fair. While Brock (Brock vs. Shamrock!), Orton, and Ziggler would be fine silver medals, I’m going with Seth Rollins. He would fit in perfectly as Vince McMahon’s Corporate Champion. He’s also insane in the ring, and I could see him having some legendary matches. His matches with Stone Cold would have style, and his matches with guys like Shawn Michaels and Mick Foley would have substance. He and Stone Cold would have absolutely headlined a WrestleMania. It would have been … best for business.

#FreeKane



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