What pro wrestler is each playoff team like? NFL Week 17 Recap

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wild and crazy Week 17 has come to a close, so Will and Derek are back with their unsolicited opinions on the week’s action, including Arizona’s big loss, Cleveland’s big changes, the Jets’ big choke job, the big news from Black Monday, the Gentlemen of the Week, and the Most Hungover Fan Bases.


AP Photo/Rick Scuteri

AP Photo/Rick Scuteri

Will: The Seahawks walloped Arizona 36-6, putting the game out of reach early with a 30-6 halftime lead. Russell Wilson completed a tidy 19-of-28 for 197 yards and three touchdowns, Christine Michael ran for 102 yards, and Tyler Lockett had 139 yards on four punt returns. But — does the fact that the Cardinals already had a first-round bye clinched take the shine off of things? Or are you fully torqued and ready for the postseason?

Derek: I’m psyched! People are saying the Cardinals weren’t trying after the fact, but no one was talking about it before the game. The word was that the Cardinals still had a shot at the top seed and they were going to try and win. Bruce Arians wanted to beat the Seahawks at home for the first time and didn’t give any indication that they were resting starters. I’ll go ahead and remind everyone that the Cardinals were favored by a touchdown. It sure is convenient that they suddenly “weren’t trying” after they got their asses kicked as touchdown favorites at home. Not too many people gave the Seahawks that benefit of the doubt when they lost that Rams game by six under similar playoff seeding circumstances.

Will: (In general I don’t fully understand how NFC West fandom works, but I’m loving the vengefulness right now. Feed me more.)

Derek: I suppose whether the Cardinals were trying or not doesn’t matter too much. The Seahawks have, surprisingly, been better on the road than at home during the second half of the season. Granted, there were only three of them, but the scores were 38-7 (at Minnesota), 35-6 (at Baltimore), and 36-6 (at Arizona). I really think they’re starting to embrace their underdog role as the Super Bowl hangover continues to wear off. They lost three home games this season. They lost two from 2012 to 2014 combined. It’s like the only thing that can get them up is proving people wrong. They had double-digit leads against the undefeated (at the time) Bengals and Panthers, then pissed them away. After that, they were dominant with huge leads. I can see them saying “You think we can’t win on the road? We’ll show you! You think we can hold on to leads? We’ll show you! You think we can’t win the Super Bowl as the sixth seed? We’ll show you!” I’m strangely comforted by how this playing out.

At least I was until I saw the weather report. Now I’m scared.

Will: As someone who remembers packing up snow high enough to sled down pine trees, I am so excited about that.

Derek: It’s been a whirlwind week so far in Cleveland, as Mike Pettine and Ray Farmer got the axe, and Johnny Manziel may get run out of town too after his latest shenanigans. Afterward, they made a splash by bringing in Paul DePodesta as “chief strategy officer.” Do the last 72 hours meet with your approval?

AP Photo/David Richard

AP Photo/David Richard

Will: You know what? They sorta do. Things have been bad for Johnny lately — LeBron’s agency dumped him — and it seems like he’ll be out of town before long. Though it’s super-easy to crack on the Browns for hiring a baseball guy to help run a football team, I’m in on Paul DePodesta. As I wrote at Waiting For Next Year, the Browns have sucked in all sorts of football ways. Things are as bad as I can remember. They might as well take a big swing and see what happens.

The reflex is to laugh and to mock. I get that as much as anyone. And yeah, maybe this novel approach will fail and the Browns will be a laughingstock. But they’re a laughingstock already. From the on-field product to fan morale, things are as bleak as I can remember. I shudder to say this, as the Browns have long shown the ability to prove me wrong, but things can’t get much worse. Why not give the baseball guy a shot?

How much credit do you give Mike Pettine in helping Russell Wilson maximize his potential? Were those nasty jabs about him being a second-tier quarterback just what he needed to get over the top?

Derek: I was wondering if we would ever address this! Sadly, the truth is probably less interesting than I would hope. I’d love it if Russell Wilson heard about these comments and put a photo of Pettine on his mirror and kicked off every day by glaring at it for five minutes. But Russell is known for being a bit of a robot, and he probably forgot about it already. I think it was more that, with Marshawn Lynch injured, they finally let him play quarterback. He’s typically only been given that opportunity when the Seahawks were behind, but now they’re letting him do it as part of the game plan. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve got to give Darrell Bevell some credit. It’s been a banner week for him.

The question is, will he revert back to his “Bubble Screen” Bevell ways now that Marshawn is expected to play this weekend? It would be a terrible shame if I spent another offseason holding my Darell Bevell voodoo doll over a candle after he worked so hard to get back into my good graces.

It won’t matter to Bevell, as he still hasn’t worked his way into NFL owners’ good graces, but Black Monday has come and gone. Which firing was the most warranted? The least? Is there someone you think should have been sent packing but wasn’t? And who’s your early top choice for the Cleveland job?

Will: My top choice, I think, is Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson. He’s done wonders with Andy Dalton, and he led the Raiders to a .500 season as head coach in 2011. He got unceremoniously canned after a year when Reggie McKenzie took over as GM, and the Raiders haven’t been that good since.

Did Lovie Smith do something wrong in Tampa Bay? Why did he get fired? The Bucs were 6-10 this year, but they had a rookie quarterback and were 2-14 the year before. Were expectations that high? Derrick Brooks retired like seven years ago. I say Lovie got a raw deal.

I’m not sure if Mike Pettine’s firing was warranted or unwarranted. The Browns were 3-18 over his last 21 games and certainly sucked this season, but the whole situation was so fucked that I don’t know who to blame. I was more for retaining Pettine than GM Ray Farmer, but I do feel a bit cleaner now that they’re both gone. Ever seen a franchise quite as sad as the Browns? It’s impressive, no?

Derek: I was going to say the 76ers, but they did sweep the Lakers in the 1983 Finals. I guess that settles it right there. No, I haven’t seen a franchise as sad. Which really is a shame. There’s the frequent losing, but then there are the other, truly cruel twists of fate that are truly unprecedented for a single team. Bill Belichick got run out of town in 1995 (much like the Browns themselves) and became one of the greatest coaches of all time. During this same stretch, the former Browns won two Super Bowls. Now it appears the owner is an idiot, which is the worst kind of hell for fans. This is why I was never mad when my imported created players from NCAA Football got drafted by the Browns on Madden. Playing for the Browns is fun when you don’t have to worry about ownership or continuity but, well … let’s talk about something else.

I’m a huge homer and therefore incapable of objectively answering this question, so I’ll ask you. If you were forced to bet your life on one team winning the Super Bowl, who would it be?

AP Photo/Lynne Sladky

AP Photo/Lynne Sladky

Will: I’ve been on board with the Cardinals for the past month or so. Getting beaten down by the Seahawks dampens my enthusiasm a fair bit, but they still have good odds to win the whole thing. I could see the Pats or Seahawks or Steelers or Packers or even Broncos or Chiefs winning it all, but I’d bet my life on the Panthers. They had the league’s highest-scoring offense, the highest point differential, a plus-20 turnover differential, and a mean ass offensive line. Plus, it kinda feels like this could turn into the Year of Cam.

Just for the sake of piquing my interests, can you compare each playoff team to a pro wrestler?

Derek: You got it!

Redskins: Wahoo McDaniel

Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

Packers: The Miz

Both have tasted their sport’s ultimate prize, but recent actions and decisions have everyone shaking their heads.

Texans: The Undertaker

They’re from Texas and they won’t die.

Chiefs: Chief Jay Strongbow

Oh God, sorry. I’m so sorry.

Steelers: Eddie Guerrero

They cheat.

Bengals: Daniel Bryan

Longtime underdog losers who hope to finally turn it around and reach the top.

Vikings: The Berzerker

berzerker

Seahawks: Brock Lesnar

EAT. SLEEP. CONQUER. REPEAT.

Except for the ending to last year’s Super Bowl. Don’t repeat that. In fact, let’s just pretend last year didn’t happen. We’re going back-to-back!

Patriots: John Cena

People from Boston and front-running children love them and everyone else hates them.

Broncos: Ric Flair

Peyton Manning is one of the all-time greats, but every time I see him I get sad. Bonus points for John Elway and Ric Flair possibly being the same person.

Panthers: Roman Reigns

They win all the time, but nobody believes in them.

Cardinals: The Iron Sheik

They live in the desert and I enjoy rooting against them.

Let’s hand out this week’s hardware.

Gentlemen of the Week

Derek: I’m going to give some respeck to my main man Christine Michael. The Seahawks traded him to the Cowboys in the offseason, who then cut him. The Redskins signed him to their practice squad, then cut him. Seattle brought him back due to the running back injuries, and he got his first 100 yard game on Sunday. My sources (Twitter) say he’s finally focused. Maybe he’ll be the guy we expected all along.

Will: For those wrasslin’ comparisons, I’m giving you Gentleman of the Week, my friend. Spot-fucking-on.

Most Hungover Fan Base

Derek: The Jets just had to beat the Bills. That’s it. Just one, measly game against the Bills. Instead, they lost and became the latest 10-6 team to miss the playoffs. I feel for them, and hope they bring themselves to look at mock drafts sooner rather than later.

Will: I think that’s the only choice this week. By the end of the season fans of losing teams are willing to take an L to better the draft pick. The Jets had a shot to go to the playoffs for the first time in five years, and they had it wrestled away from them by Rex Ryan. Worst of all, their loss meant the Steelers made it in after beating down the Browns. We were rooting for you in Cleveland, Jets. Thanks for nothing.



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